The sights and sounds of the season are difficult to escape—they’re everywhere. The Hallmark Channel has non-stop Christmas movies from October through the New Year. Every commercial on any channel seems to be holiday-related. And while you can quickly turn off the TV, it’s not so easy to ignore the reminders that are present from the grocery store to the gas station to the mall. Not to mention the return of holiday beverages at Starbucks—peppermint mocha, anyone?
We live in a world where holiday decorations are in place before Halloween at many large retailers. All of these can trigger profound sadness when you’re missing your loved one, whether they died years ago or the loss is more recent.
When Will I Feel Better?
If only I could make it through the holiday…if only I could make it to the New Year. Sometimes, we pressure ourselves to “get over” it and try to shake it off and return to normal. But this is your new normal, a world where your loved one is no longer here, and that takes time to wrap your head around.
Grief has no timetable for feelings of pain after loss, though it’s generally recognized that there are stages that people can go through, not necessarily in order. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross originally developed the five stages of grief as the process patients go through as they come to terms with a terminal illness: The stages—
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression, and
- Acceptance
—were only later applied to grief after the loss of a loved one.
In reality, grief “looks a lot less like a neat set of stages and a lot more like a roller coaster of emotions,” says David. B. Feldman Ph.D
The more you try to avoid the feeling of sadness, the longer it might take to move forward. A little avoidance, however, can be a good thing since it allows the brain to handle grief in smaller doses, according to psychologist Ronnie Janoff-Bulman. Denial becomes problematic when the reality is never faced.
A general rule is that the only way out of grief is through it. “But we shouldn’t feel we must face them all at once, either. Grieving appropriately means allowing ample time to remember and feel the loss and embracing occasional opportunities to distract ourselves and regroup,” says Feldman.
It’s Ok to Celebrate. Or Not.
You are an individual. And your grief process is your own. “If you want to be alone, don’t be persuaded to join in another family’s Christmas if you don’t want to,” says Anne, who writes a blog about the death of her son. She recommends finding a happy medium between seeing friends and family and spending time alone.
Feeling guilty is a common reaction to the holidays because what if you enjoy spending time celebrating, if only for a short while? It’s ok. It means you are, at least for an hour or two, arising out of your grief to find joy. It doesn’t mean you miss them less or forget what they meant to you. It means you are human.
Experiencing things like joy “can feel like a betrayal to deceased loved ones – but it’s not. Emotions are not either/or and you can feel far more than one thing at a time,” says Eleanor Haley from the blog, What’s Your Grief? Happiness doesn’t replace sadness but exists alongside it.
Be Intentional: Have a Plan
The holidays continue, and if you’re not careful, you’ll find yourself during the season as we are now, with expectations that traditions will remain the same. And they can’t because your loved one won’t be with you. Here are some ideas for making new traditions and still including your loved one.
- Food: Have one dish that was your loved one’s favorite, whether it’s a main or side dish or dessert.
- Memory Tablecloth: Buy a tablecloth and set markers out for guests to write messages, memories, or notes of encouragement on.
- Light a Candle: Consider lighting a candle to remember where your loved one would have sat. You can also purchase a candle holder and inscribe your loved one’s name.
- Remembrance Ornaments and Trees: Get some blank ornaments and some markers that can be written on glass, and have your family and friends create an original ornament in memory and hang it on the tree.
- Memory Jar: Invite family and friends to write memories on a slip of paper and put them in a memory jar. Later, go through and read them aloud.
- Stockings: Do the same with a Christmas stocking—have friends and family write words of encouragement for others who are present.
- Garland: Hang pictures with tiny clothespins on the garland and display them. Alternatively, get some twine and string it across the room, mantle, or doorway, hanging the pictures this way.
Above All, Know Your Boundaries
Boundaries don’t depend on what others do but on what you decide to do, and this is where being intentional is important. You choose where to put your time and energy and let others know. Here are some tips from Liz Earle about how to do this:
- Create space – don’t feel guilty about setting boundaries for yourself. It’s better to say ‘no’ and take time for yourself if needed.
- Choose your people – surround yourself with those you can talk to about your feelings.
- Allow sadness – but also, if you feel a moment of joy, enjoy it, and don’t feel guilty. Share stories and bring your loved ones into your day.
Read more about navigating grief at the holidays here.
By Carrie Phelps-Campbell, Blog Contributor